Be forewarned...

...this is the result of some longstanding frustration over particular internet snippets.

Today I was reading a blog I follow, and a linked post caught my eye: the title mentioned supporting your husband, so naturally, I clicked.  I'm getting married in two months, I've heard that marriage is not always breezy, and I care about being a good wife.  I'm going to try my hardest, because that's what my fiance deserves.

However, I was quickly disappointed.  What angered me in this post was a confusing theme I've seen quite frequently throughout this emerging genre of Catholic/Christian/wife/mother/blogger sites.  One of this lady's four guidelines to being a good wife was to put effort into grooming and appearance.  She called this effort an act of charity toward your husband, and that even though he should love you no matter what, it is important for a mother to feel beautiful.

Do you hear the contradiction too?

So we hear all the time that men are visual creatures.  I get it, I get it--in terms of initial attraction and modesty, that is.  I know that exercise, healthy eating, and hygiene are all important means of appreciating the physical bodies God gave us, maintaining balance, and preserving emotional well-being.  And I do wholeheartedly believe that the human body is beautiful, that sex is beautiful, that we as persons--living mysteries because we are embodied souls-inspirited bodies--are right to appreciate beauty.

But tell me when you hear these tips offered to husbands:

Husbands, no matter how busy your life gets, take a regular shower.

Husbands, no matter how stressful your job is, keep your beard nicely trimmed.
Husbands, make bedtime extra special by wearing your best boxer briefs.

Husbands, it is an act of sacrifice for your wife 

to do your best to maintain those muscles she found so hunky when you first met.

Husbands, your wife will love you no matter what,

BUT

you should still put some effort into your appearance for her anyway--

SAID NO MALE WRITER EVER. 

(I know this is the message to men from reality TV, clothing companies, and Axe commercials.
But from Catholic men?  Never, thankfully.)

My point is not that husbands need to hit the gym or gel their hair to solve the issue.  My point is that you only hear these words surrounding women--usually from women ourselves--reducing our worth to petty exteriors.  I can usually shirk the lies that Cosmo screams at me as I stand in the grocery line: "427 ways to turn him on!"  But when a fellow Catholic tells me that one of her top secrets in the wife-life is putting on lipstick before her husband comes home from work?  

Aren't we called to a deeper understanding of beauty than this?

I guess my beef here is twofold:

1. I love that Catholics are learning to talk about sex.  However, if we are truly going to combat the sexual revolution by properly appreciating sex and the human body, we have to be careful.  The human body is amazing, it is beautiful, it is a miracle--  

Without lipstick.

Without a perfectly accessorized outfit.

Without regularly-toned quads.

Without a sexy nightie.

Do I dress up sometimes?  Yes.

Do I like to curl my hair?  Sometimes.

Do I exercise?  I try.

But I am confident that my hubby-to-be will love me when I don't.

Make-up, style, fitness--they are not inherently bad.  But do not put them in your top five/top twenty/top whatever words of wisdom for the wife.  

2. If we as Catholics are truly going to combat the sexual revolution by properly appreciating femininity, we cannot perpetuate the lie that paints physical attraction as a woman-lures-the-man dynamic.  Yes, outward appearance usually sparks a relationship.  Yes, attraction remains a component of marriage--absolutely!  But it goes both ways, and it goes much deeper.  I will always think Patrick is my handsome Superman.  And I know that no matter how bare-faced/puffy-ankled/t-shirt-chic I become, he will think I'm beautiful.  Because he is a whole person, wonderfully made as is--and so am I.  Please, fellow Catholic women, do not make me fear that unless I perform the balancing act of wife/mother/therapist/writer/et cetera with ease and in trendy-colored denim, I will not be doing my duty.  That sounds like a sneaky, watered down cover of Glamour magazine to me.

Ladies, kiss your husbands often.  Flirt.  Get dressed up for dates.  Take care of your whole self.  Compliment his appearance and graciously accept when he compliments yours.
These are all fun, positive tidbits of marriage.

  But remember that what defines you as beautiful and feminine are your heart, your mind,
and the virtues that guide both.