"A woman is the full circle...

...Within her is the power to create, nurture, and transform." – Diane Mariechild

When I first read a positive pregnancy test, I couldn't stop thinking about it – probably because 1) my brain needed to force the pregnancy into feeling real, and 2) I had to keep fighting off my fears.  I've been needing to tease out my stream of thoughts; I hope, perhaps, some women can relate to my winding mind.  

Initially, briefly, I had no anxiety—and with 2012 in retrospect, I can clearly see why I was at peace.  Christ had been preparing me for this news for over a year, slowly teaching me how to be flexible.  (Of course.  He is always countless steps ahead of us.) There were several events that prepped me for this change of plans—an explanation for a different day—but the bulk of it came down to my many conversations about Natural Family Planning with a variety of people.  I was always very quick to explain that Patrick and I would try to wait to have a child until I was somewhere—hopefully midway—through my clinical fellowship for speech pathology.

With each of those discussions, I emphasized the try to part.  And all the while, I had a deep-seated feeling that things were not going to happen the way I planned. 

Now, I am so grateful for those self-reminders disguised as conversations; they kept my mind open and my heart willing to happily read a positive pregnancy test one year later.  They prepared me for the first lesson I've learned from this little boy I haven’t even met yet:  

1) That the purpose of NFP, whether it is practiced to achieve or postpone a pregnancy, is openness.  People refer to it as "Catholic birth control," but that's a total oxymoron.  I think NFP should have a silent "S" at the end of it, for Natural Family Planning Suggestions.  Yes, NFP is about responsible and prayerful decision-making, in partnership with Christ – but the planning roles are not equal, and for good reason.  Christ, who wills our happiness, who always knows exactly what will bring that happiness, makes the final plans.  We merely offer suggestions.

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Of course, it only took a couple of days for my sense of peace to be rocked.  The devil is a relentless liar, who gave me plenty of fodder for fear throughout the first trimester. When I first prayed about this baby, I threw all of those fears at Christ:

What if I never finish getting my certification?

We have such a tight budget right now.

It's all my fault; I messed up interpreting my charts.

I guess we weren't responsible.

Etc.

Etc.

Etc.

And very quickly He replaced those irrational fears with the convictions I've touted all my life:

"Work" and motherhood (a different and absolutely more difficult type of work) do not have to be incompatible.

Christ will always take care of our needs.

He works best through our mistakes.

A baby is always good news.

A baby is never a mistake.

With that, I saw how lucky I am to have the opportunity to live my pro-life beliefs.  I know there are many women who find themselves in much more difficult situations.  I know my worries would sound petty to many veteran mothers. But I do feel that now, in a very small way, I can better understand the fears and frustrations that drive so many women to different decisions.  Which brings me to:

2) The devil will only bother attacking what is most beautiful.  More specifically, he attacks what brings the most hope.  I know that God sent a child to shake the church to its core on purpose; we are reminded of that Mystery every single time a baby graces the world—not at birth, reminiscent of Christmas day, but at conception: the Mystery began with the Annunciation. 

From that perspective, the reason abortion exists is clear: to ruin humanity from its foundation and to kill the hope that only Redemption can bring.  Right now, the most direct way for me to counter the devil’s efforts is to say yes to a child.  Restore humanity at its foundation.   

Even though I firmly believe this, I still have been reminded that:

3) I am very human.  I am extremely rough around the edges.  I have always had to actively fight my own mind. For quite a while, the fears in my head battled the beliefs in my heart.  In my head was the schooling, the finances, the am-I-really-old-enough?  In my heart was my conviction, my excited anticipation, my joy.  I oscillated between panic and peace.  

But Christ delivers every challenge with the necessary grace.  I had no idea if anyone would hire a speech pathologist that would need maternity leave four months later.  Budgeting for a baby and college loans and Lord-knows-what-else was definitely intimidating.  For a while, I just had to be grateful for the graces Christ gave me to handle the frequent challenge of getting back to peace when I began to panic.

But guess what?  Fast forward a few months, and I’m hired—as a speech pathologist that will need maternity leave four months after I begin.  Budgeting suddenly seems more manageable.  Speech pathology as part of my vocation is suddenly re-confirmed. 

Several people told me that under state and federal law, I was not required to tell a potential employer about my pregnancy.  And employers were not permitted to ask, no matter how obvious my belly was.  But the woman who e-mailed me to set up a phone call that same evening, the woman who called and arranged an interview the very next day, the woman who offered me a job one week later was too human and too wholesome not to tell.  In my interview, she told me without shame: “you know, I've just prayed God’ll give me the right person to hire for this clinic, and I know He will.”  So toward the end of our two-hour interview which was much more like a friendly conversation, I told her the news I could hardly contain.  And she thanked me, immediately began to brainstorm how to arrange scheduling and maternity leave, asked if I’d like part-time after the baby was born, and hugged me when I left.

I suppose I've never been a conventional person.

Baby boy, you've shown me that if I:

4) Put God and family first, all the details will fall into place.  Only if I am open (which does not necessarily mean fearless) can Christ shower me with peace, joy, and plans far better than I could ever design.    

Sure, my mind may be fickle--but in my heart I know that all is very, very good.

Sweet pea, you are already so loved.  I will never forget your dad’s reaction when I told him about you; you are so blessed to have a daddy who welcomed you immediately.  You already have five cousins who can’t wait to play with you.  You have sixteen aunts and uncles itching to hold you, and you’re my parents’ very first grandchild.  There’s a big back yard here, waiting for you to explore.  There are birds on the feeder I can’t wait for you to discover and sunshine on the deck I can’t wait for you to feel on your cheeks.  You have already taught me so much.